Post by penman27 on Apr 20, 2008 10:59:21 GMT -6
This is a story that I have been working on for awhile. It got done a few weeks back and I would like feedback!
Glass rained down on the blood painted floor as the bullet whizzed past my head. Oh my Gosh! I thought, I am gonna die! I repeated that sequence in my head as I weaved through the aisles. I silenced that thought when I looked at my hands and they were shaking almost too fast to see.
I felt the adrenaline dyeing off as I ran slower. I was in for it now. Another gun show broke the silence that had ensued. Quick, into the taller aisles of the bedroom department, I can hide there! I thought.
The department was, luckily, right in front of me. I ducked and ran down into the towering aisles. The shelves were hollow inside, I knew that, but I needed to get into there and find a hiding spot and also not make it look like I was inside there. I saw the perfect chance. There was a display shelf with a hollow back that had doors.
I ran to find an opening. Once I was in the space inside the aisle, I ran into the cupboard and closed the door. There was a hole that was drilled for some reason in the back, for wires probably, I thought.
I was shaking and breathing hard. I began to shiver uncontrollably. I tried to breathe deeply but shock was coming over me. I rocked back and forth and started to cry. I was freezing. But I was sweating all the same. I was drenched in sweat and blood.
But what was disturbing was that it wasn’t my blood, it was other peoples, people who I had never met.
My thoughts of disturbing things were cut off by the thought of what I was gonna do. I had completely forgotten that I was still in a deadly situation, the trigger just waiting to be squeezed.
My pocket vibrated and I jumped, making my encasing wobble. My Cell Phone! I whipped it out, the screen read:
One New Text MSG
From: Mom
“No time for that” I said to myself as I quickly dialed 911.
The dial tone sounded three times before someone picked up. The voice was of a woman’s, “911 Emergency, how can I help you?”
“I’m hiding in the Mega Mart. There has been a hostage situation and everyone but me is either dead or shot. I am hiding in the b—“
My voice was cut off by the sound of approaching footsteps. My voice dropped to a whisper, “I have to go, they’re coming. Send help please!”
I held the red button until it turned off and snapped it shut. The footsteps were gone now but I was still on an edge. I closed my eyes tightly and waited.
I looked out the hole just in time to pull my head back because a face was just about to peer into the hole. I closed my eyes and covered my nose. I couldn’t be caught, if I was I would be killed. After a couple seconds, I peeked out of the hole.
Nothing was there. I let out a sigh and relaxed a tiny bit. Now they won’t look here anymore.
But as I was relaxing a bit, the door flew open to my left and a hand yanked me out. I screamed a bloodcurdling scream and kicked and scratched and spat until he let go when I kicked his shin. I ran down small space inside the aisle.
The man was on my tail, I pushed down boxes and anything I could to slow him. I jumped out into the hallway and ran down towards the front of the store. I knew I shouldn’t but I did anyways, my mind wasn’t working correctly.
I was running down the main aisle and was passing another hallway through the racks when a guy came out and caught me in my tracks. He put his arm around my mouth, but I bit it. He screamed and let go.
I tasted a salt liquid in my mouth, blood. My legs ached from being cramped. I looked behind me and both men were running towards me. And in front of my there was three other men. My only hope was to attract the attention of the police another way since my call apparently didn’t help anything.
Beside me was a table of discount items, and sitting there was a red high heel. I saw my chance in that shoe. I yanked it off the table and threw it as hard as I could towards the front doors that were made of glass.
The heel flew through the air and smacked the glass, completely shattering the window, setting off an alarm. The alarm rang throughout the store. But maybe this wasn’t the best time to do that.
The men caught up and grabbed me, and the three on the other side came up with a black ski mask they put over me. I felt something cool and wet smothered over my nose and mouth. It smelled horrible.
Then everything went black...
“Thank you Ted. Today in a series of tragic events, leading to a hostage situation, a Mega Mart heist turned into mass murder for 7 people.
“The one witness and the only surviving victim of the massacre, 17 year old Mitchell Riciordan, apparently hid in a cupboard. When he tried to call the cops, which the call was disregarded as a prank,
the men heard the conversation. The boy acted quick and set off the alarm by throwing a heel at the glass in front of the store. He was then drugged.
“Cops arrived soon afterwards and after they realized what was going on, they called in a swat team that took in the men. Two of the suspects were shot in the apprehension. Both were transferred to the hospital where one was pronounced dead and the other remains in critical condition.
“Not much has been said about the sentencing but the men have killed 7 people, so we know they are going to be put behind bars for a long time if not for life.”
The ending newscast is REALLY crappy and I don't like it. But it's the only way I could end it in my mind.
Please tell me if there is any way I can redo this so it's better!
Glass rained down on the blood painted floor as the bullet whizzed past my head. Oh my Gosh! I thought, I am gonna die! I repeated that sequence in my head as I weaved through the aisles. I silenced that thought when I looked at my hands and they were shaking almost too fast to see.
I felt the adrenaline dyeing off as I ran slower. I was in for it now. Another gun show broke the silence that had ensued. Quick, into the taller aisles of the bedroom department, I can hide there! I thought.
The department was, luckily, right in front of me. I ducked and ran down into the towering aisles. The shelves were hollow inside, I knew that, but I needed to get into there and find a hiding spot and also not make it look like I was inside there. I saw the perfect chance. There was a display shelf with a hollow back that had doors.
I ran to find an opening. Once I was in the space inside the aisle, I ran into the cupboard and closed the door. There was a hole that was drilled for some reason in the back, for wires probably, I thought.
I was shaking and breathing hard. I began to shiver uncontrollably. I tried to breathe deeply but shock was coming over me. I rocked back and forth and started to cry. I was freezing. But I was sweating all the same. I was drenched in sweat and blood.
But what was disturbing was that it wasn’t my blood, it was other peoples, people who I had never met.
My thoughts of disturbing things were cut off by the thought of what I was gonna do. I had completely forgotten that I was still in a deadly situation, the trigger just waiting to be squeezed.
My pocket vibrated and I jumped, making my encasing wobble. My Cell Phone! I whipped it out, the screen read:
One New Text MSG
From: Mom
“No time for that” I said to myself as I quickly dialed 911.
The dial tone sounded three times before someone picked up. The voice was of a woman’s, “911 Emergency, how can I help you?”
“I’m hiding in the Mega Mart. There has been a hostage situation and everyone but me is either dead or shot. I am hiding in the b—“
My voice was cut off by the sound of approaching footsteps. My voice dropped to a whisper, “I have to go, they’re coming. Send help please!”
I held the red button until it turned off and snapped it shut. The footsteps were gone now but I was still on an edge. I closed my eyes tightly and waited.
I looked out the hole just in time to pull my head back because a face was just about to peer into the hole. I closed my eyes and covered my nose. I couldn’t be caught, if I was I would be killed. After a couple seconds, I peeked out of the hole.
Nothing was there. I let out a sigh and relaxed a tiny bit. Now they won’t look here anymore.
But as I was relaxing a bit, the door flew open to my left and a hand yanked me out. I screamed a bloodcurdling scream and kicked and scratched and spat until he let go when I kicked his shin. I ran down small space inside the aisle.
The man was on my tail, I pushed down boxes and anything I could to slow him. I jumped out into the hallway and ran down towards the front of the store. I knew I shouldn’t but I did anyways, my mind wasn’t working correctly.
I was running down the main aisle and was passing another hallway through the racks when a guy came out and caught me in my tracks. He put his arm around my mouth, but I bit it. He screamed and let go.
I tasted a salt liquid in my mouth, blood. My legs ached from being cramped. I looked behind me and both men were running towards me. And in front of my there was three other men. My only hope was to attract the attention of the police another way since my call apparently didn’t help anything.
Beside me was a table of discount items, and sitting there was a red high heel. I saw my chance in that shoe. I yanked it off the table and threw it as hard as I could towards the front doors that were made of glass.
The heel flew through the air and smacked the glass, completely shattering the window, setting off an alarm. The alarm rang throughout the store. But maybe this wasn’t the best time to do that.
The men caught up and grabbed me, and the three on the other side came up with a black ski mask they put over me. I felt something cool and wet smothered over my nose and mouth. It smelled horrible.
Then everything went black...
“Thank you Ted. Today in a series of tragic events, leading to a hostage situation, a Mega Mart heist turned into mass murder for 7 people.
“The one witness and the only surviving victim of the massacre, 17 year old Mitchell Riciordan, apparently hid in a cupboard. When he tried to call the cops, which the call was disregarded as a prank,
the men heard the conversation. The boy acted quick and set off the alarm by throwing a heel at the glass in front of the store. He was then drugged.
“Cops arrived soon afterwards and after they realized what was going on, they called in a swat team that took in the men. Two of the suspects were shot in the apprehension. Both were transferred to the hospital where one was pronounced dead and the other remains in critical condition.
“Not much has been said about the sentencing but the men have killed 7 people, so we know they are going to be put behind bars for a long time if not for life.”
The ending newscast is REALLY crappy and I don't like it. But it's the only way I could end it in my mind.
Please tell me if there is any way I can redo this so it's better!